Punakha: What's up with all that dong?

Bhutan is a land of surprises. It's not in the mountainous beauty or the Buddhist tranquility that permeates

the land. That's par for the course in this part of the world. It's in the unexpected tidbits that emerge when you start learning their history. For example, did you know that television and the internet were not legal until 1999? This is not a typo. The first television broadcast in Bhutan occured on June 2, 1999 in celebration of the King's jubilee (and possibly my birthday). When Prince sang about partying like it's 1999, it's possible he meant finally having one whole television channel at your disposal. However, if you happened to live outside of Thimpu, you had to wait until February 2006 for the privilege. This isolation, both geographic and cultural, goes a long way towards explaining the strong traditions that still permeate Bhutanese life. 

It's wild. You never know when the next startling revelation is going to drop, but rest assured it will. While cruising along a breathtaking mountain pass, we came across the Dochula Pass. This is where you will find 108 chortens (or stupas) commemorating Bhutanese soldiers who died in a 2003 battle with Indian separatists who were hiding out in the countryside. The insurgents were successfully expelled and the Queen chose the most scenic possible setting to honor the fallen soldiers. 

Nothing so surprising there. Every country has its war memorials and why wouldn't you choose the highest pass with the best Himalayan views?

What got my attention was who commissioned this particular memorial. Credit goes to the Queen Mother Dorji Wangmo, the wife of former king, Jigme Singye Wangchuck. Or better said, she is one of his wives. The former king, who is very much alive, abdicated to his eldest son, the current king. The ex-king's wives are also alive and well, all four of them. Each wife has her own home, security detail, etc and the king is free to drop in on whichever one he happens to be in the mood for. Polygamy not surprising enough?  Let's throw in that all four wives are sisters. Not as in sister wives, mind you, but as in they were born of the same set of parents.

No wonder television was so late in coming. Who needs Days of Our Lives, when your royal portrait feature a throuple +2?

Then there is the city of Punakha. There is no way to talk about Punakha without discussing Drukpa Kunley, the Divine Madman. He was a 15th century Tibetan monk turned saint who roamed Bhutan spreading Buddhism via his "flaming thunderbolt of wisdom".  Pretty grandiose term when you realize he is talking about his dick. Then again, he is also known as the Saint of 5000 women, so he must have been doing something right. 

When a demoness was terrorizing the village, the Divine Madman was called in to use his thunderbolt to  cast her out. Fearing his powers, she turned herself into a dog, thinking she could go unnoticed. Silly demoness. She was no match for his mighty dong. He found her, hit her with the thunderbolt (because you really don't get enough beastiality in religious stories these days) and trapped her inside of a rock. To commemorate this, the Chimi Lhakhang temple was erected on that same spot. 

We were there to visit that temple. The path, cutting through rice paddies, starts out pretty normal.You've got prayer wheels, prayer flags, the usual... 

But then, you start to notice some unusual adornments. All Bhutanese buildings feature painted artwork on their facades, usually in the form of abstract patterns or mythical animals. Punakha hits a bit different. There, on the lovely homes, stores, restaurants are unmistakable renderings of penii. Small, large, veiny, hairy, spouting, smiling...it is the Baskin Robbins 36 flavors variety pack. 

It is believed that the depiction of a phallus on one's home will protect its inhabitants from evil and malicious gossip. Personally, I can't think of anything that would make me talk about my neighbors more than a vividly rendered schlong on the side of their house but cultural differences are what make this a fascinating world.

I wanted my home protected. I wanted to ward off the chismosas in my life. I looked in a couple of stores to find the perfect phallus but never quite found one that spoke to me. It's not the first or last time I'd be accused of being too picky when it comes to these things. 

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The temple itself was not as ornate as some of the others but is fascinating all the same. For fairly obvious reasons, it is known as a fertility temple. Couples wanting children visit with offerings. In exchange, the monk will perform a ceremony and then roll an ancient dice. That dice will tell them if the ceremony worked. If the couple isn't happy with the result, they can re-roll and go best out of three. After that, they need to come back on a later day. 

In a way, this makes sense to me. There are so many stories of couples who stress about being unable to have children before giving up and adopting. No sooner do they finalize the adoption papers than the couple, now free of pressure, becomes pregnant. The dice is telling them that they got this and to stop worrying about it. I'll bet it works. 

The monks also offer regular, non-baby related blessings and by regular, I mean they have two foot-long wooden dongs, wrapped together in a white cloth, which they use to freely tap visitors on the forehead. If you are wondering if I took the duo-dongs to the head that day, the answer is yes, I most certainly did. 

Next surprise, which was more of a "No, seriously, WTF are you doing??" was the gift shops selling Cordyceps. For anyone who has not seen "The Last of Us", the entire premise of the show is that cordyceps, a fungus that grows freely in Bhutan, starts infecting humans turning them into mindless zombies. This is a thing that actually happens with insects. I know there are alleged health benefits but why, in the year 2024, are we tempting fate and encouraging people to eat zombie fungus??!!

As if our day had not been action-packed enough, we had a couple more stops on the itinerary. Next up was the majestic Punakha Dzong. Much like the Tashichho Dzong in Thimpu, it doubles as both a monastery and a governmental building. 

In a country of gorgeous buildings, I think this one might be most spectacular. Located at the confluence of two rivers, it looks like a vision conjured out of thin air.

There is no photography permitted inside the buildings, which is a shame. The amount of detail, particularly in the throne room where all the country's kings have been crowned, is truly spectacular. 

Throughout the courtyards,  we kept running into chickens and roosters. The reason is kind of cool. If someone is ill and is expected to die, it is believed that the best way to prolong their life is to save a life. People will purchase animals that are bound for slaughter and let them live out the rest of their lives in peace. For practical reasons, the monastery won't accept rescued cows or goats but poultry is ok. I don't know if this actually helps the terminal human but it is undeniable that the animals' life has been saved and that's pretty great. 

To cap off our day we took a stroll across the country's longest suspension bridge, swaying wildly in the breeze. The path was shared by tourists taking selfies and locals going about their day, all of us soaking in the dramatic landscape around us. The fact that no matter where you look, Bhutan is simply stunning has to be the least surprising thing of all.