Rio: More like the Seven World Blunders, amirite?

I'm a list maker by nature. If I have more than 5 things that need to get done, I won't rest easy until I have put pen to paper and cataloged each and every task, lest one gets accidentally forgotten. There's xmas lists, grocery lists, packing lists. I could make a list of my lists. Based on this lifelong habit, it goes to reason that I would give more weight to others' lists, as well. 

Take for example, the list of the Seven World Wonders. There was the original one, the Ancient Wonders, but seeing as humans destroyed six out of the seven (only the Pyramids of Giza remain), there was not much I could do with that one. Fast forward to 2007, when a Swiss company put on a contest to name the new seven world wonders. People throughout the world would vote online and on 07/07/07, a new list would be announced. 

This I could work with. Of course, I had to visit all seven. It didn't hurt that I had head start, having already visited three of the winning entries.

I'd been to the Colosseum in Rome many times, going back to the 80's.

In 2005, I spent a day awestruck in Petra, Jordan.

In early '07, pre-list, I'd watched the sunrise over Machu Pichu.

That was almost half the list right there. This just left four Wonders to be wandered. 

I hit up the Great Wall of China in 2008 (and then again in 2017).

In 2009, I gasped at the beauty of the Taj Mahal.

Also in 2009, an extended stay in Merida, Mexico allowed me a day trip to Chichen Itza.

This just left only one box unchecked, Christ the Redeemer in Rio. It would remain this way for well over a decade. In 2017, I came close but a particularly foggy day left me Jesus-less. Last year, I had a short stay in Rio, which allowed me to see the big guy off in the distance on my way to the airport but counting that roadside glimpse felt like a cheat.

Fast forward again to a couple of weeks ago, when I had a couple of days off in Rio, a favorable weather forecast and a chance to finally complete this long neglected list. 

I did my research and found there are 3 ways to get to JC. You can drive up to a certain point and then take a van to the viewing platform, you can hike all the way to the top (but will most likely get mugged along the way) or you can take a train through the Tijuca forest. By all accounts, the train is the most scenic, least mug-likely way to go. 

It is suggested that you pre-book the train online but there is a real risk that you are purchasing tickets for nothing more than a dense ball of fog, so as my walking tour guide said, the best thing to do it to wake up, look up, if you can see Jesus, then you go. 

Or in my case, you go, wait over two and half hours in line just to get on the train and then go.

The ride is indeed very pretty, cutting through a lush green forest, but unless you are fortunate enough to score a window seat, good luck getting a good photo.

Once you reach the end of the line, it is a short walk to a set of steps that take you up to the main attraction. 

As you ascend, what stands out the most is not the giant art deco statue, it is the stunning views of Guanabara Bay.

Then you get to the top and yup, it is a big ass Jesus. There is no museum putting the whole thing into any kind of historical context, no real wonder about a civilization overcoming adversity in its construction, no grounds to explore. Just a viewing platform, an oversized statue and approximately one million people wielding selfie sticks and doing the arms wide open pose. Also, it was near 99 degrees, something I would happily endure in any of the other wonders, but here it was just an added irritant. 

I did get briefly excited when I saw a monkey hanging on the side of the hill but once he left, I quickly went back to being annoyed.

In short, this is what happens when something like this is put up for a popular vote. I remember hearing how the government in Brazil set up free computers all over the country to encourage people to vote for this thing. When you have a population of over 200 million people wanting to get online, it is no surprise that objective standards go by the wayside. Surely there are artists, historians, archeologists who should have/ could have weighed in on who should be on the list. Instead, you had Paolo who just really wanted to check his MySpace. 

Seriously, off the top of my head, I can think of so many places I've been to that are more deserving. The Alhambra in Spain, Persepolis in Iran, Baalbek in Lebanon, Khajurajo in India, Hagia Sophia in Turkey, the Acropolis in Athens, just to name a few. 

To add insult to injury, while I was up there, I got a text from a friend who had overslept and was on his way. I told him to skip the train and its eternal line and just Uber to the van. He did just that and it still took him two hours to get to the top!!  The lines for the van were equally ridiculous. In the meantime, I just waited at the one and only cafe, fighting off people trying to swipe his chair. 

Once he arrived, I returned to the viewing platform, this time noting some different angles. Such as, the holy armpit...

Or the spiky nod to Hellraiser...

But the preening mob was still there and it was still hot as balls.

Sometimes, if you can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em.

But the fact is that if the list in question was 7 World's Greatest PR Stunts, this would deserve spots 1-7 but as it stands, I am calling bullshit. Rio is a beautiful city and has plenty to brag about but waiting hours for what amounts to a 15 minute attraction ain't it. 

In fairness, I should point out that I am a lifelong atheist and it is possible that I was predisposed to dislike this particular "wonder" but then when it was time to go back down the hill, the line for train was once again stupid long. I'd already invested over 6 hours on this boondoggle. I'd had it and I'm not proud of this but I cut to the front with a lie about having gotten in the wrong line. This was just too much. I'd become a line cutter! I can tell you for a fact that had I not gone up that hill as an atheist, I certainly would have come down as one. 

Fireball!!

But at least, I can now say that this particular list is done. As in one and done, because I'm heading back to Rio this week but you know who I won't be visiting: Big Ass Jesus.