Virgin Voyages: Cruising Made Cool

I am not a cruise person. I don't like the bland buffets, the unnecessary dress codes, being forced to eat on a set schedule- often in the company of strangers, the banal shows passed off as entertainment and being incommunicado because they treat wifi as a luxury item and not the everyday necessity that it actually is. I particularly don't like the hit and run nature of shore visits. You get, at best, a few hours to experience a new place where they try to railroad you into signing up for an over-priced excursion under the threat of being left behind if you are a minute late. Also, this is not specific to cruises but I'm not all that crazy about children. My niece and nephew are amazing human beings. My friends have some wonderful, bright, curious children whom I enjoy immensely. But let's be honest, lots of children are just plain assholes. There is something about cruises that encourages parents to let their little assholes run feral. 

So, why is it that I simply can not wait until the next time I board one of these floating hellscapes? The answer is simple: Virgin Voyages, Richard Branson's latest foray into making travel actually fun. This is a cruise line that is doing everything right. I recently returned from a 5 day foray with my sister, mother and her friend and seriously, no notes. It was perfect. 

For starters, the Valiant Lady is one sexy ship. I happen to have a view of the Port of Miami from my apt. Since her arrival, I have been intrigued by this newcomer, glowing all red at night as she sets out to sea. Even so, when my sister suggested we do a Virgin family cruise I was hesitant. It's still a cruise ship after all.  She countered with glowing reviews from trusted sources. She dangled promises of drink packages. Had I heard that it is an 18 and over ship, no children allowed?

My sister, a top attorney in her field, definitely knows how to craft an argument. 

On the day of departure, we travelled the couple of blocks from my apartment to the port and got our first taste of what was to come. Our mother is 87 years old and has limited mobility. The check-in staff assessed the situation, cheerfully wheeled her to the front of the line and had us in our cabins in less than an hour's time. 

We were initially concerned that the mobility issue would be a problem for her on board, but a mobilized scooter rental and whatever the scooter equivalent of a lead foot would be, revealed that our mother would be fine. It was every other guest of the Scarlet Lady who was in now in real danger of being jettisoned into the Caribbean Sea. 

The first full day was a sea day, giving us plenty of time to get familiar with our new home.  My first impression was that there truly was something for everyone. If you want to get your party on, you can hang out by the pool, where club deejays will have everyone up dancing and living their best lives before lunchtime. 

If you are here for the 'gram, you are in luck. So many spaces on this ship are obviously curated with photographic aesthetics in mind.

You want to just chill and read a book or spend quiet time with your travel mate, they've got you covered. There are so many idyllic quiet spaces spread throughout the ship, that you are never far from finding that perfect nook.

Need to burn off some calories- and you will, the food is incredible, more on that later- they have a killer gym and a pretty sweet looking running track. Not only that, fitness classes are included with the price of admission. During our stay, I took two dance classes and a 90's inspired aerobics class, complete with shake weights. 

With a setting like this, it would be easy to just laze (or dance) the day away but there is also a daily roster of activities going on. Before you get onboard, you download an app and since the ship has free wi-fi at all times, you use this app to check out the day's agenda, make restaurant reservations, contact ship support with questions or even order room service. 

Was I checking it constantly and booking everything in sight? Of course I was but how else was I going to RSVP for the first evening's pajama party? I don't have any pics but that's probably for the best. I thought a cute flirty nightie would be a good look, not realizing that it was December and people really love them some Xmas pj's. Most of the party looked like they just put out a plate of cookies for Santa while I was halfway to Hef's grotto. 

The app also allows you to book shore excursions, minus the constant pressure and dire warnings I've experienced on other ships. Our first stop was Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic. By random chance, I had just spent 4 days there and knew that there is very little to do here. Had we been somewhere more exciting, the stop would have been much too short but as it was, we had more than enough time. My sister and I had some drinks at a portside bar, I strolled through the town and my mother and her wheels of doom terrorized locals and ship staff alike. 

I was more than happy to return to the ship, partly because I was hungry. That meant my first stop was the sports bar for what may have been my 3rd vegetarian hot dog. The 1st one was shortly after boarding the ship, while watching the World Cup. From that moment on, I was hooked. It was, no joke, the best veggie dog I've ever had. 

It wasn't just the veggie dog, though. Every single thing I had during those 5 days was so ridiculously good. Instead of a 'stuff your face at the buffet because it's there' type-situation, the ship has a bunch of specialty restaurants with proper menus, all with plenty of vegetarian options. You just make a reservation via the app for whatever time you want. For something more casual, there is a proper food hall with about a dozen "vendors" to choose from. If say, you left the club at 2 in the morning and wanted a late bite, the made to order pizza place was still open and you could grab a pie with the hopes that your sister was still awake and would want to split it with you only to find that she was dead asleep and now you ate an entire pizza before going to sleep. Hypothetically speaking, of course. 

 

Speaking of nightlife, evening #3 came with a fair amount of hype. That is when we would celebrate Scarlet Night, the ship's signature party. All I knew was that we were supposed to wear red. I figured the club would be similarly decked out for the occasion and that would be that. Why 72 hours in, I was underestimating the Virgin experience simply betrays a lack of imagination on my part. 

The entire ship had turned into a massive party, with mystical inflatable marine creatures on every level and surprise activations from the ship's entertainers popping up everywhere you looked.

Somewhere around 10pm, all the guests were invited to come up to the pool deck. Not surprisingly, there were more inflatables. 

What I did not expect was that there was going to be a full-on dance performance, first around the pool and then ultimately in the pool.

Even less expected was that the moment the performances were over, us, the guests would take over dancing around the pool and, yes, very much in the pool. I had been watching all of this from the upper level but the moment that the pool takeover began, I sprinted down to the pool level and proceeded to genuinely dance like no one was watching. It was magical. It was cathartic. It was exactly the release I needed after a month-long brutal work schedule. 

I am perfectly aware that Scarlet night and it's pool dance party take place on every single sailing, yet somehow it felt very organic, like we had all spontaneously decided to take over the pool. I know how crazy that sounds but at the risk of invoking the cliche police, you had to be there. 

It was worth staying up late even if I had booked an early morning dive for the next day. We were docked in Bimini, home of excellent dive opportunities.  Sadly, if there was one miss in the whole of this cruise, it would be this.  The problem was that they combined divers and snorkelers on the same boat. As a result, we went to very shallow sites, where us divers had to constantly be wary of the many kicking snorkelers immediately above us. These were not dive sites, they were snorkeling sites, where we happened to have scuba tanks.

The only memorable moment came during the second dive, at a site frequented by Caribbean reef sharks. After the snorkelers get back on the boat, the sharks are rewarded for their participation with buckets of fish. The sharks are familiar with the program so as soon as the snorkelers got out of the water, they started getting excited. We were still in the water and had the chance to hang out with them a bit longer as they began to gather behind the boat. 

Once the diving was over, I joined my sister at the ship's private beach club. Once again, it was a short-ish stop, but with a limited amount of things to do, it was kind of perfect. In this case, pretty much the entire ship was just lounging at the beach club. 

Our last evening had come way too quickly. In the span of a couple of days, I had gone from avowed non-cruiser to absolutely loving it. 

The next morning, thanks to their late check-out policy, I lingered as long as I could, looking at my apartment in the distance. Thoughts of stowing away for the next sailing danced in my head. 

My time on the Virgin ship certainly went a long way towards changing my perspective. I will always prefer independent travel and long stays leisurely exploring my environs. I don't think I will ever identify as a cruise person and will continue to inwardly (and probably outwardly) mock those who do. However, there is no denying that this cruise rocked.  As I write this, I am looking at that sexy glowing ship and I know that sooner rather than later, I will be back.