I want Kandy: A tale of Trains, Teeth and Haunted Hotels

Public transportation rocks. I love me a subway, bus or train ride. You don't have to worry about driving, you are free to read or knit or do whatever it is you enjoy doing on your free time and at the end, assuming you got on the correct conveyance, you are at your destination. If said mode of transportation is world famous for its scenic properties, all the better.  In this case, I am referring to the journey between Ella and Kandy, considered one of the world's most beautiful train trips. While researching things to do in Sri Lanka, you could be forgiven for thinking that this ride is the only thing the country has to offer. That's how often it comes up, along with a myriad of articles about how to get tickets on the oft sold out train. If you have seen an IG pic of some some lithe young thing hanging out the side of an old locomotive that is barreling through lush green countrysides (note: you have seen some version of this pic, I assure you), you have seen the Ella-Kandy train. It's a famous voyage, is my point.

So it goes without saying that FOMO goes to Sri Lanka had to do this. I think I may have booked the train ticket before I even booked the actual flight, which is a bit problematic for a couple of reasons. For starters, I was now locked into a date I had to be in Ella, which thankfully did not become an issue but is a very typical overplanner concern. The bigger snafu was that only the first class compartment could be pre-booked, which on its face may not sound so bad. However, part of what is cool about these long train rides (7 hours in this case) is the chance to hang out with locals and partake of all the goodies sold by food vendors that jump on at the many stops. Sadly, neither local nor vendor make it onto the first class compartment. It is a hermetically sealed tourist caravan, albeit a very nice one.

What I got...

What I wanted...

The good news is that even the boujee brigade passes through the same stunning countryside. The route through lush rolling tea plantations is not coincidental. The Brits built this railway in order to transport those beloved tea leaves.

That railway may be the best thing the Brits did for the country of Sri Lanka. It's not only a fairly efficient means of transportation (when it's running on time) but it truly is a stunning ride. 

You would think that after a couple of hours, the scenery would become old. I mean how many undulating ridges can one ooh and aah at before it becomes a cause for concern? Turns out the answer is: a lot. The endless varieties of the color green alone is reason for celebration.

If I'm being honest, the disappointment of being secluded in the 1st class car was somewhat ameliorated by the wifi, electrical outlets at each seat and excellent service providing a steady supply of ice cold Lion beers.

The air-conditioned car was nice too, considering I had read about the sweltering heat in the other compartments. Unfortunately, the cost of this was that the doors remained closed and the windows did not open. This and this alone was the only thing that stood between me and a lucrative career as an IG influencer. How could I get my dangling out of the train shot under these conditions?

The answer was to enlist the help of one of the waiters. At one of the stops, he and I ran off the 1st class compartment and back onto the next car (there is no connecting door between the two so this is the only way). Once there, he stood at one open doorway as I leaned out the next one. This took a couple of minutes and then we just kind of hung out until we got to the next stop. 

I still may have been doing it wrong. I later heard stories from someone who watched as a group of girls  changed through a variety of outfits to maximize their train photo shoot. 

 

I arrived late in the evening and was picked up at the station by someone sent from my hostel. The Hiranya Mountain View hostel was a bit outside of the center of town but compensated by being run by the loveliest couple. 

From the moment I checked in, they were always on hand to offer a cup of tea or provide advice in planning out my stay. If I have one regret from this entire trip, it was that I did not think to record the scene that I witnessed in this home. On day 2, I came back around dusk to find the soft-spoken gentleman who had welcomed me the night before, grunting and wearing some kind of monkey mask whilst running from window to window in his kitchen. I stood in stunned silence, not knowing whether to join him or flee into the streets with the actual monkeys that were returning home after a long day of whatever it is that they do. I did neither. Once this interpretative dance was over, he explained that the only thing keeping the monkeys from over running his home was their belief that there was a bigger crazier primate living therein. Everyday at sun-up and sundown, he recreated this display. I personally prefer to believe that the monkeys know exactly what is happening but are so enthralled with these performances that they have chosen to just play along. 

I began my first day with a visit to the Bahirawakanda Vihara Buddha Statue. It stands (or sits) a bit outside of town and has steps leading up to the top, providing a great view of the city. 

Lovely as it was, the truth is that I was at the Buddha killing time. I had gotten up early and it was not yet tooth time. What is tooth time, you ask. Good question. I was waiting for the hour when the line opened up to make offerings to the holy tooth. Still unclear? So.... Kandy's main attraction is Sri Dalada Maligawa, better known as the Temple of the Tooth. This UNESCO world heritage site is believed to be in possession of a tooth that previously resided with the head of Lord Gautama Buddha. The story of how it got here is long and convoluted but it involves someone snatching the molar from the Buddha's funeral pyre in India, which you would think would be a major bad luck thing. A princess then smuggled the tooth into Sri Lanka and it was somehow decided that much like a magical sceptre, whoever held the tooth also held the political power. The temple was built, it was attacked, the tooth was moved, the tooth returned, another temple was built and here we are. 

Anyhow, this is now a major pilgrimage site and people line up three times a day to present their offerings to the tooth. Mind you, they don't actually see inspired incisor, only its gold enclosure, but it is still very much a thing. I was not there to present an offering because (a) I am not Buddhist (b) the line was super long and (c) what do you get the tooth that has everything but I did very much want to watch the spectacle. 

When it is not time for the offering, this window is closed and it is not possible to see the dental reliquary.

Because of the size of the complex and the level of activity therein, I hired a guide to make sure I did not miss anything. He expertly led me both through and around crowds, all while explaining the tooth's significance. 

There is a separate hall with a collection of donated Buddhas, classrooms and even a small museum displaying the taxidermied remains of an elephant who was once responsible for carrying the holy tooth during ceremonial processions. 

But without question, the tooth is the star of the show.  

Once you have visited the tooth temple, your options in Kandy become somewhat limited. I had already visited a tea factory in Ella so that was out and the elephant "sanctuary" seemed ethically dubious so instead I just wandered around town.

In doing so, I encountered a surprising amount of street art, most of it very recent and was able to catch a good number of artists are work.

These wanderings led me to Arthur's seat, which is not so much a seat as it is a viewing platform with a nice view of the Lake and the aforementioned tooth temple. I'd been walking all day so I sat for a bit enjoying the view. While simultaneously relaxing and politely shooing away the phalanx of souvenir salesmen that surround all visitors, I pulled out my Lonely Planet to see if there was anything I had missed. 

I saw a blurb about Helga's Folly, a colorful hotel ensconced within the nearby jungle. It sounded cool and was probably not big with the 999 t-shirt vendors that were presently surrounding me. I hopped in a tuk-tuk and off we went.

You ever catch the first sight of something and realize "Oh, this is going to be good"? This was like that. It was a krazy kitschy kool explosion in the middle of nowhere. 

I wandered in, fully expecting to find guests and staff mingling about, only that was not the case. I saw no one.  At all. So I roamed from room to room, each one more elaborate than the one before, wondering where everyone had gone. 

The place smelled moldy and there were random noises so for sure there were ghosts but where were the live folks?

At one point, I must have tripped off a sensor because this completely insane old-timey music started playing. Like straight up American Horror Story/ victrola sounding madness. It both annoyed me and intrigued me that I was surely going to meet my end in this wackadoo hotel. 

At that moment, a caretaker appeared. At least, I think he was real. He told me about the proprietress, an eccentric thrice widowed socialite who used the place as her personal doodle pad. He explained that due to the recent loss of tourism in Sri Lanka, the hotel had no guests at the moment, which contrasted dramatically with its past, when the hotel had played host to Sir Laurence Olivier, Vivian Leigh, Gregory Peck and a bunch of other A-list celebs who were probably the ones playing the creepy-ass music. More recently, the hotel's unique delirious charms had inspired the Stereophonics to write Madame Helga about the woman who made this all possible. Sample lyrics:

She's been married not once

Not twice, but three

And that's the livin' lovin' woman

I want me to be

There were pictures and paintings

Of freaks like me

So I drank with my devil

For my company

 

The Stereophonics dude gets it. This place has personality for days. 

It also was a perfect bookend to my Kandy experience. I had come in on this super scenic train, checked out a holy tooth and was closing off my visit wandering around the most photogenic fever dream imaginable.