How to do Rotorua in 5 Easy Steps

1. Walk into a travel office. Any will probably do but I found the people at Rotorua Backpackers super helpful. Figure out what you want to do- easier said than done- and have them create a combo package. This will save you a good amount of money. I opted for the Tamaki Maori Cultural Show ($130), the Wai O Tapu hot springs tour ($82) and a Zorb ($45). Had I purchased each individually, the total would have been $257. The combo price: $175.

2. Kick off your combo. In my case, the first item on the agenda was the Tamaki Cultural Show. It was precisely what I expected: a touristy show with some information about Maori culture followed by a "traditional" meal. Kinda like a luau but with more tongue.

The good: They have the whole process down to a science. From the boarding of buses to the processing of groups through the different educational areas to the feeding of a couple of hundred people at the same time, they have a Swiss timepiece-level of precision. The food, even for a vegetarian, is surprisingly good and there is plenty of it. The staff is cheery and super into their roles as our Maori ambassadors.




The not so good: I understand that one of the goals is to impart information about Maori culture and traditions, which they do well. However. This could be done without being so self-serious. There is a lot of emphasis placed on the initial meeting between us and them. On the bus, a group leader is chosen. Only men need apply. This leader then has to perform a greeting ritual with a representative of the Maori tribe. Over and over, they stress how we can not smile or move around or in any way that might offend the tribesmen.  I'm assuming they are aiming to make this meeting somewhat authentic and respectful but let's be real. It is 2017. We all just got off buses where we have had to repeat "Kia Ora" approximately 82 times. There is another massive group coming through in a couple of hours. Are we really to believe that if someone crumbles into a fit of laughter, a group of actors is going to be so offended that they are going to call the whole thing off?

And another thing. Stop with the sexism already. I understand that in the past, women could not be chiefs. Throughout the world, women could not vote either but we have progressed. Let us be pretend chiefs for a couple of hours. Let women join in on the haka demonstration, stomping and tongue-wagging along with the guys. And for the love of Papatūānuku, don't tell us that women can't get facial tribal tattoos because it will spoil our loveliness. 

Oh and one more thing, I'm not saying all Maori have to look a certain way. However. I'm pretty sure that was Chad from accounting, fresh of his Crossfit class, who felt the need to start every sentence with "Our people..." Also, I'm 99% certain I saw another dude dabbing during one of the traditional dances.


But all that aside, the Tamaki Village appears to be a family run business who go out of their way to  provide an enjoyable evening. If you like this kind of super touristy thing, you will like this.

3.  Keep combo'ing, baby. The next morning, I signed up to do a tour of the Wai-O-Tapu Thermal Wonderland.  These are not the only hot springs in town, the whole town is in fact bubbling, but by all accounts these are the most photogenic ones.





Most tours are timed as to allow you to view the 10:15am eruption of the Lady Knox geyser. How do they know that it will go off precisely at that time? Because at 10:14, they stuff it full of laundry detergent, causing the chemical reaction that makes it blow.


From there, the buses proceed to the entrance where you are given a map and a time to be back.  As a result, it can get pretty crowded during these morning hours. If- nay when- I return, I think it might be better to skip the geyser and go later in the day.


Regardless of the time or the crowding, there is no denying that the place is stunning. Sadly the camera gods had smited (smote?) me in Wellington and the Canon camera I had gotten specifically for this trip had died a sudden death. It refused to even turn on.  I have since gotten a full refund but at the time, walking around one of the most visually impressive places ever with nothing but an Iphone 6s was highly disconcerting. Every time someone walked by with an SLR, I felt pangs of camera envy.




Fortunately, I think you could go with a Fischer-Price kids camera and still get great photos. The colors of the Champagne Pool, which change depending on where you are standing are mind-blowing.








The entire park is well-marked, easily accessible and virtually guarantees oohs and aahs every couple of hundred feet or so.












Surprisingly, neither Wai-O-Tapu nor the city of Rotorua itself smell as eggy as I'd imagined. Having spent some time in Iceland, another geothermic hot spot, I was expecting the constant aroma of days old rotten eggs but Rotorua's funk is much milder. Sometimes you get a passing whiff but it's not really so bad. It's not even in the tap water, meaning you can safely wash your hair and not feel the need to constantly sniff it for days to come.


4. It's all about the Zorbing. It seems like common sense that if you have a hill and a giant hamster ball, there is fun to be had but it took a New Zealander to put it together.  Rotorua is the birthplace of zorbing,  defined as "a sport in which a participant is secured inside an inner capsule in a large, transparent ball that is then rolled along the ground or down hills."



This was one of the things that I knew from the moment I booked a ticket to New Zealand that I would be doing. How could anyone pass up this opportunity?

The premise is simple enough. You choose a track (zig-zag, straight or a steep drop), get in a ball and down you go.


I ended up doing two of them, the zig-zag, where you kind of splash around from side to side and the drop, where you spend most of the airborne and/or bouncing up and down. Both were 100% awesome!

I later posted this video on Instagram and tagged the place. The super cool guy who ran the place responded and what resulted was the best IG exchange in the history of IG exchanges.

Z: Hey there, I drove you around Rotorua. Oh and pushed you down a hill.
Me: Wait, so many people pushed me down hills. Which one are you again?
Z: The one with biggest balls.

Perfect answer is perfect.

5. Start ruing the short amount of time you have in Rotorua. A day and a half is nowhere close to enough. Of all the cities I visited in NZ, this is the one where I most wanted to stay.  After Zorbing, I went walking around the downtown area.



There was a geothermal public park where I could've spent hours.




There was an authentic Maori village that I accidentally wandered into (behind the church) where I wondered if I needed to implement all those don't smile, don't move around warnings. The sweet goofy dog that ran up to greet me told me otherwise.


There was a charming town full of all kinds of galleries, bars and restaurants.



And there was so much more that I did not get a chance to visit. Rotorua- or RotoVegas as it is known for its many motels- was one of the highlights of this trip, so much so that I think a 6th step is in order.

6. Start planning the return visit.

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