What to do with a 9 hour layover at Heathrow Airport (in 10 easy steps)

1. Try to change your flights. Nobody wants a 9 hour layover, no matter where it is. If your dream was to see London, you would not be on your way somewhere else.

2. Failing #1, if you have not yet been to London, take the train into the city, jump on the double-decker sightseeing bus and have at it, after all, you have a lot of time to kill. If you have already done that, say at least a half dozen times, see #3

3. Get thyself to Terminal 5. Once there, go outside and board either Bus #71 or #77. These are the buses that will take you to nearby Windsor Castle. If you ask at the information counter, they will try to put you in an expensive private car or taxi. Ignore them. Sneer at them. Continue to Terminal 5.

4.  Hang out on the bus until you see a really big castle. Think massively big.  This will take about 30-40 minutes. In the extremely unlikely event that you miss the most obvious landmark possible, look for an endless stretch of souvenir shops and references to the Royals on each and every sign or business.

5.  Go around the side of the castle and join the long line, excuse me, the long queue. You are now in line to enter the world's oldest and largest inhabited castle.  More importantly, you are not  sitting, bored out of your mind, at Heathrow Airport.

6.  Upon entering the castle, you will be handed an audio guide in the language of your choice. Listen to it.  It will lead you, in great detail, through every corner of the estate.  This will take roughly 2-3 hours.

7,  Learn that this was originally a defensive fortification and gape through the slots where arrows would have been shot through.  The wide design allows the archer to swivel and shoot in any given direction.  Pretend to do this while viewing the tourists below.

8.  Rue the fact that photos are not allowed in the most impressive parts of the tour- the Royal Apartments and particularly the doll house.  Notice that they are quite vigilant about this and it is near impossible to get away with a surreptitious shot here and there.

9.  If you think you may be back in this area (or even if you don't- remember, stranger things have happened and you've got nothing to lose), get your ticket stamped before leaving the Royal Apartments.  Your one day ticket just became a one year pass providing you with unlimited admission to the castle.  Think of how handy this will be if you end up becoming buddies with the Queen.

10.  Check your watch. By the time you got off your incoming flight, cleared customs, got to Terminal 5 and got to Windsor, let's say 2 hours passed.  Then you waited in line and listened to every part of the audio guide, let's give that 3 hours.  You want to be back at Heathrow at least an hour and a half before your departure. Factoring in the 30 minute ride back, you still have a good two hours to enjoy a pint or two.  This is particularly important if, as was my case, you will be spending the next 3 weeks in a dry country.  In that event, make it a pint or 3.

10 ½.  Continue on to your final destination, which may or may not be Country #92.