Country #115: Taking On New Geographic Availabilities

Reasons I was really excited about going to Tonga:

 1. Are you kidding me with this? It's Tonga. It's a country that I have not been to, that I never thought I would have a chance to get to and now I have a flight booked to mother fucking Tonga!

 2. Humpback whales. Other places have them but very few allow you the chance to get in the water and swim with them. Tonga is one of those magical places. So far this summer, I'd froliced with (look away if you hate shameless bragging): 3 species of reef sharks, bull sharks, turtles, giant mantas and whatever nudibranches are. I was due for a whale encounter.

 3. Tonga is the only royal kingdom in the South Pacific. While all their neighbors were being occupied (mostly by the Brits and the French), Tonga maintained sovereignty. To this day, they have a king whose visage stares down on you from billboards all over the island. This reason is not all that exciting but I feel that lists work best in threes.

It was not until I was midway between Fuaʻamotu International Airport and the Village Backpackers hostel (aka the coolest hostel ever) that I learned there was actually a fourth reason to be excited. My driver, who was also the hostel handyman, mentioned what great timing I had as the next evening was to be the first night of the Miss Galaxy Pageant. At this point, I had been living in Fiji for four months so I did what had become my default whenever I did not understand what someone was talking about. I assumed it was a rugby thing. "No, not rugby, it is the fakaleiti" "Oh, I see. So this is cricket?""No, it is a contest for the ladies that are not ladies". Huh, what now? It took many scenic minutes and much confusion for it to dawn on me that he was talking about a transgender beauty pageant. 

Via, the lovely lady that checked me in, explained further. The hostel was one of the main sponsors and as such had a VIP table, which I was graciously invited to join. Awesome, but what about the whales? Enter Mia, owner of the hostel and all around cool girl. Within minutes, she had booked me onto a local tour operator, at a fraction of the cost of the one I had found online and assured I would be back in time to join them for the pageant.

All that was left was for me to explore Tongatapu. Up until then, I had thought that Fiji was laid back and friendly (which it totally is) but Tonga made it look like Manhattan during rush hour. The town was so wonderfully chill and worthy of the "friendly island" title Capt. James Cook had given them during his first visit in 1773.

The Free Church of Tonga, which suffered heavy damage during Cyclone Gita

Friends Cafe and Tourist Center

The Royal Palace

My wanderings were cut short because I had a date with Deep Blue Tonga Divers in the morning. I was mere hours away from snorkeling with humpback whales and possibly taking the best photos of my life.

That next day, I was picked up by Lahaina. She and her family have operated this shop for 15 years and their love for the whales is obvious. While on the boat, she briefed us on all the rules that we would need to follow. No more than 4 people in the water at one time, no touching the whales, no getting too close, no getting between a mom and her calves.  It is to be expected that regulations would be put in place to protect the whales but what was most heartening was how clear it became that our guides were following them, not so much to avoid fines but out of a genuine concern for the whales' well-being.

For hours, we searched for whales, occasionally finding some who were hanging out but not receptive to our interactions.  Finally, we found some that were as curious about us as we were about them. Our group of 8 had been divided into 2 teams. The first team jumped in and came back giddy about how close to the whale they had come.

As that one swam away, we continued to look for friendly humpbacks. When it came to our turn, a whale was spotted, we put on our gear, sat on high alert ready to jump in while Hanna, their friend and intern investigated. False alarm. She had gone too deep.

We then found some swinger whales, with multiple males showing off who is most macho to impress the one female in the bunch. There was a lot of tail slapping, breaching and bragging about what kinds of cars they drove- maybe, I don't speak whale. There was another operator closer to them so we could not approach but we did get a fantastic show.

Our turn came suddenly. So suddenly in fact that my group was already in the water and I was still trying to figure out where my fins were. Once I jumped in, I did my best Michael Phelps to try to catch up but found I was pursuing a distant shadow. I could kinda make out that it was a whale but it was not the magical moment I had hoped for it to be.

As much as Hanna and Lahiana tried to remedy this situation, going so far as to add me to group 1 to give me another chance, it was late in the day and the whales were off responding to the orgy invitations that had been sent out by that bachelor group and didn't really have time for us.

As great as the day had been, I was a bit disappointed.  I wanted more whale. The swim wasn't cheap, around $140 USD but I had come this far so I signed up to try again the next day.

I had some free time before the pageant so I walked along the waterfront, past an elaborate cemetery and over to the Billfish Bar. The bartender, a Kiwi expat, spoke of what an easy decision it had been for him to move. He loved it. It is a country of such natural beauty and kindness. In theory, it is a very religious nation. Everything must be closed on Sunday but the other six days of the week, pretty much anything goes.  

And it wasn't long before I got to witness this first hand. I ran back to the hostel, took a shower and put on the nicest thing I had, which was cheapo sundress. I figured the pageant would be a small affair at some club. Turns out, I figured wrong. Oh so very very wrong. It was at the city's largest auditorium which was so packed that we had to lie and say that we had one of the contestants in the car to be able to cut through traffic. Everyone was dressed to kill- except for me, I was more rocking the run to the store to get more sunscreen look! This was a legit big deal. 

As well it should have because those contestants were straight fire. Maybe straight is not the right word but they looked amazing. There were several rounds of competition, including one where they had to make their gowns out of condoms and they were flawless!!

The crowd favorite was contestant #9, who was born to be a comedian, regardless of gender. As the others regally walked down the catwalk, #9 was in the background fellating imaginary penii, humping mike stands and generally being a comical agent of chaos. When it was her turn, there were underwear revealing cartwheels, pratfalls and the inevitable loss of her wig. The audience ate it up.

As for our merry group, we were not only enjoying the bottles and snacks provided by the pageant, but also the massive shopping bags of booze that the girls had brought. This was more BYOB than I imagined.

The next morning, my excitement to try again with the whales was slightly tempered by my well-earned hangover. Hanna and Lahaina were both amused by my sorry state and impressed that so early into my stay, I had scored a VIP table spot at Miss Galaxy. This had to be a good harbinger for things to come.

To not take any chances, I was put into group one. They were determined that I would get my dream whale encounter. Again, we searched for hours for telltale flukes. And once more, I was dressed- fins on, mask on and go-pro in hand- perched, ready to jump in from the back of the boat only to have the whale swim away.

Some time later, while I was on the other side of the boat, I hear a frantic "Group one!! GOGOGOGOGOGOGO!! GET IN THE WATER NOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!" It all happened very quickly but I am 89% certain I muttered "Not again". I grabbed whatever fins were closest and threw myself in the water. As I huffed and splashed my way over to the group, I realized there was something wrong with my snorkel. It was making this deep guttural noise. Fuck it. There is a whale nearby. Breathing is for suckers.

Suddenly, I saw him, this glorious whale right underneath me, on his side looking up and waving his massive flipper. Hanna had cautioned us to focus on the whale and not on our cameras, lest we miss what is happening right in front of us. I turned mine on and pointed it in the general direction of my new best friend, hoping for the best with the video mode. Honestly, I don't know if I could have peeled my eyes away if I had to. Then it dawned on me, my snorkel was just fine. That sound was not coming from me, it was coming from the whale. He was singing!  A little atonally, but this wasn't whale Star Search and I'm not Simon Cowell. Who am I to judge? 

He started to come up- this magnificent whale- he was coming closer. Instead of moving back, I stay rapt in place, until at the last second, Hanna pulled me back as he swam by right in front of me. As he moved away and I came up to face the group, all I could say over and over was "That was fucking amazing!" I remembered about my gopro and hit the button to shut off the video, only it made a strange noise. Not whale singing strange but more like the noise it makes when it starts recording, which makes sense because I had just then- after the whale was long gone- began recording.

That's right. Two days of searching for humpback whales, a close up encounter and I had captured none of it. Ain't that a bitch. But the fact remained, I had just swam with a humpback whale!! It was forever imprinted on my memory, if not on my memory card. 

Thankfully, Hanna was able to capture some footage and photos, which she shared with me (and which is what appears below). Next time, and I am determined that there will be a next time, I will have the gopro filming for the entire 8 hours I'm on the boat but for now, this is a perfectly acceptable alternative. 

But back on land, I was faced with a new dilemma. Tonight was the finals of the Miss Galaxy competition and I had absolutely nothing to wear. I could not repeat my sundress/ Birkenstock combo and the contents of bag only got worse from there. Anywhere else, this would be an easy fix. Step 1: Go to store. Step 2: Buy dress. Problem solved. Only there was one glitch with this plan. As best as I could tell, there are no regular clothing stores in all of Tongatapu, only second hand shops. I have thrifted many a time. I have no issue with used clothing but it needs to fit. All of this clothes was meant for Tongan women, who are much taller and larger than I am. Nothing fit, there was no method to the madness as clothes were just scattered around and I was getting frantic. Maybe there was a seamstress. I was going to Scarlett O'Hara this shit with a curtain if I had to. Nope, no seamstress. I was in disbelief that there could be no clothing shops. Where did all the women from the prior night get their gowns? Where did the fakaleiti get their's? I started walking to the next town but finding nothing, jumped into a taxi. I asked the driver to take me to wherever his wife got her clothes. He took me to a dark and dingy second hand shop. Just as I was going to abandon all hope, I saw a sparkly tunic with a low cut neckline. I tossed it on over my swimsuit- no, I had not changed since the whale swim- and it was just long enough to double as a mini-dress. Success!! For $6, I had a rocking dress. As I was running back to the hostel, I passed a shoe store with a pair of sparkly flats in the window that perfectly matched the neckline of my new tunic/ dress. $4 later, I had matching shoes. I started getting cocky and thought that maybe I should buy some makeup, seeing as the closest thing I had with me was a tube of SPF 50 chapstick. But that task proved more difficult and I was running out of time. I was sticking with the natural look.

At this point, I would normally post a photo of me in this new dress, but guess what? Committing to a theme that I didn't know I had signed up for, I forgot to take a damn picture in the dress. That's right. I have plenty of pics from the pageant but not one of our group looking glam. No whale, no dress. I was 2 for 2.

The next morning, I woke up eager to try my luck with the whales again, only all the trips were booked. Plan B: head to one of the nearby islands. I chose Pangaimotu Island, which promised good snorkeling and a cool bar. Once there I learned that you need to provide your own snorkel gear and the mandatory meal price does not accommodate for vegetarians so it was a short lived excursion. I hopped on a supply boat and got the hell out of there, but not before taking some photos because yes, here on this island that I didn't particularly care for, I remembered to take plenty of pics.

I much more enjoyed that evening's Oholei dinner show. It was the typical dinner show with buffet and traditional dancers, only this one was served inside a cave. They also happened to grow mushrooms inside the cave, which was an unexpected twist. 

I've already mentioned 4 reasons I was excited about Tonga. Would you believe there was a 5th reason. Out of crazy random chance, a friend of mine was also visiting the main island at the same time. Not only that, she and her husband were on my flight back to Fiji.  On our final day, we finally managed to meet up and drive around the island before heading to the airport. 

We hit up all the main attractions.

There were the very impressive Mapu'a 'a Vaea Blowholes.

There was tsunami rock, which is a massive boulder that is said to have been hurled out of the ocean and onto land by one angry tsunami.

There were stops at both Abel Tasman's and Capt Cook's landing spots, although I'm not certain which (if any) this is.

And last not least, there is the three headed coconut tree. It is reportedly the only one of its kind is all of Tonga and possibly all of the Pacific. It is, as one would imagine, I three with 3 heads (or branches) and I got a photo of it. 

That's right. I got the tree but not the whales. 

But in the end, it doesn't really matter what pictures I got. In a few short days, I had a chance to do the unimaginable- come face to face with a humpback whale; attended the hottest event in town, at the VIP table no less with some lovely new friends and done a mini-road trip around the island with a lovely old friend. All in all, that is quite a lot to be excited about.